Jokes About Students
- When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.
When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?
- The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."
- Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
- "I was born in California."
"All of me."
- "Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
- I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
- A woman got on a bus, holding a baby..
The busdriver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
- Anecdote -- presented to me, by a student, as a true story
(might be used for introducing a phonology lesson):
The teacher was beginning the lesson and noticed a student dozing.
She said sharply, "Taro, are you _ready_?"
Taro, jolted to attention, replied, "No! I'm _man_!"
- An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!"
Do you know what he did with the brick?
He threw it away!
- A man and his wife were arguing about family members.
"It's just not right", the wife said. "You don't like anybody in my family!"
"That's not true," replied the husband. "I like your mother-in-law much better than my mother-in-law."
- What is a bachelor?
A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.
- What does a man say when he walks into a bar?
- A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?
The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.
- Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.
- A beggar said to a rich-looking man, "Excuse me, may I have $500 for a cup of coffee?"
"What do you mean? A cup of coffee doesn't cost $500!"
The beggar replied, "I want to have it in Paris."
- What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?
What has a neck, but no head?
Where is the ocean the deepest?
On the bottom.
- A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
- 1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Saturday round of golf?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
- I hear this new cemetry is very popular. People are just dying to get in.
- A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done.
- What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
- Q: What has teeth but can't bite?
A: A Comb.
- The Philedelphia Orchestra is having a rehersal. During a coffee break, a man comes in and introduces himself to the orchestra manager.
"Mr. McDonald," he says, "I'd like to audition for you. I happen to be a first-class player on every single instrument in the orchestra. Will you listen to me?"
McDonald says, "I'm sure you're all you say you are but I'm terribly sorry, there is no place open for you. matter of fact there is a long waiting list of musicians who want to get into this orchestra."
The man says, "At least listen!" He picks up a violin and whips into Paganini's Twenty-frouth Caprice. Some fo the musicians begin to nod- this fellow is good.
When he finishes, McDonald says, "Look, you're very good indeed, I dind't doubt it. But as I explained to you, there is no room for you in the orchestra."
"Will you give me a chance and just listen!" the man yells. He grabs a viola and goes through the cadenza of the Walton Concerto. The musicians applaud and some even say, "Bravo!"
"Why do you do this?" says McDonald. "You're wasting your time and mine. It's not a question of your talent, there simply is no room....."
"For God's sake, just WAIT a minute and LISTEN!!" He leaps to a double-bass and goes into the rapid finale of Tchaikovsky's Fourth Symphony.
"PLEASE!!" McDonald shouts, "how many times do I have to say it? I don't CARE how well you play, it doesn't MATTER how well you play, I'm trying to tell you there simply is NO place for you in the orchestra at ALL!!!"
The man, absolutely exhausted, says, "Well I'll be a dirty son-of-a-bitch."
McDonald says, "Hey, that's different. We can always use a conductor!!"
- Q: How many Confucianists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None -- the superior man calls attention to others' virtues, not to their faults.
A2: One -- the superior man can influence those above him.
- A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service,they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
- This guy walks into a pub and sees a glass case with 2000 in it. Above it is the sign "Grand Competition - Win 2000, see bartender for details" So the guy says to the bartender, "What do you have to do?" The bartender says, "Do 3 tasks... pick up that pencil, pull a bad tooth from the rabid rottweiler (sp?) next door and f@*& the 80 year old lady with herpes upstairs." So the guy picks up the pencil and goes into the room with the dog. There's lots of screaming and growling and he comes out with his clothes all torn, covered in blood an half dead. He says to the barman... "Where's the 80 year old lady I've to pull a tooth out of?"
- There was a man who loved to make up puns. One day a local magazine sponsored a pun-contest.
The man entered the contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
- Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
- A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
- Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.
- One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked"Do you know who I am?" The prof said"No and I don't care." The student asked again"Are you sure you don't know who I am?" the prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air. "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
- Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swallowed by a fish?
A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
- James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)