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关于音乐的英文笑话

www.iselong.com 作者:

Jokes About Music

  1. The Philedelphia Orchestra is having a rehersal. During a coffee break, a man comes in and introduces himself to the orchestra manager.

    "Mr. McDonald," he says, "I'd like to audition for you. I happen to be a first-class player on every single instrument in the orchestra. Will you listen to me?"

    McDonald says, "I'm sure you're all you say you are but I'm terribly sorry, there is no place open for you. matter of fact there is a long waiting list of musicians who want to get into this orchestra."

    The man says, "At least listen!" He picks up a violin and whips into Paganini's Twenty-frouth Caprice. Some fo the musicians begin to nod- this fellow is good.

    When he finishes, McDonald says, "Look, you're very good indeed, I dind't doubt it. But as I explained to you, there is no room for you in the orchestra."

    "Will you give me a chance and just listen!" the man yells. He grabs a viola and goes through the cadenza of the Walton Concerto. The musicians applaud and some even say, "Bravo!"

    "Why do you do this?" says McDonald. "You're wasting your time and mine. It's not a question of your talent, there simply is no room....."

    "For God's sake, just WAIT a minute and LISTEN!!" He leaps to a double-bass and goes into the rapid finale of Tchaikovsky's Fourth Symphony.

    "PLEASE!!" McDonald shouts, "how many times do I have to say it? I don't CARE how well you play, it doesn't MATTER how well you play, I'm trying to tell you there simply is NO place for you in the orchestra at ALL!!!"

    The man, absolutely exhausted, says, "Well I'll be a dirty son-of-a-bitch."

    McDonald says, "Hey, that's different. We can always use a conductor!!"


  2. Eddie Dickens bought a cornet and was trying to learn to play it. He was busy practicing one day when the phone rang. I'm your next-door neighbor," the lady said, "and my husband is home sick. Do you know your noise is making things worse?"

    "No," said Ed, "but if you'll hum a few bars, I think I can fake it for you."


  3. A foreign pianist was engaged to act as accompanist for an aspiring amateur singer. The amateur was a lady. She had bounding ambitions but her technique was faulty. This defect became manifest at the first rehearsal.

    After the poor woman had flatted and flatted until she had flatted practically all of her notes, the accompanist waved her to silence.

    "Madam," he said mournfully, "it is no use. I gif up der chob. I blay der black keys, I blay der white keys - und always you sing in der cracks.


  4. How do you get 5 oboes in tune?

    Shoot 4 of them.


  5. How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?

    Steal his batteries.


  6. What's the definition of a nerd?

    Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.


  7. Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

    The bassoon burns longer.


  8. What are burning oboes used for?

    To set bassoons on fire.


  9. What is another name for a bassoon?

    A farting bedpost.


  10. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get away from the bassoon recital.


  11. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

    Put your hand in the bell and miss notes.


  12. How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player ?

    He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your ass.


  13. How do make a trombone sound like a French horn?

    Play facing backwards and chip a lot of notes.


  14. What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?

    A trombone will bend before it breaks.


  15. How do make a trombone sound like a French horn?

    If a trombone sounded liked anything, it would seek out

    petrified bones and reunite with them.


  16. How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone?

    Take your hand out of the bell and miss entrances.


  17. There was a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west.   

    What can be surmised from this?

    The frog's probably on its way to a gig.


  18. The Philharmonic Symphonic Chamber Orchestra came to a back

    water burg to do a concert. Two of the yokels were fascinated by the

    trombonists and their marvelous instruments. On the way out of the

    gymnasium, they were overheard, "Clem, I really don't think that feller was

    swallerin' that thing..."


  19. What's the difference between an alto trombone and a chainsaw?

    You can tune the chain saw.


  20. What's a tuba for?

    1 1/2 X 3 1/2.


  21. How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?

    The knocking gets slower.


  22. What is the true makeup of a string quartet?

    A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone

    who hates violinists.


  23. What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

    A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA.


  24. Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book

    by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much

    room on this page," he said, "What shall I write?" 

    Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful

    hint: "Write your repertoire."


  25. How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune?

    Shoot 10 of them.


  26. Into the fifth hour of a performance of _Der Meistersinger_, one

    violinist was overheard whispering to his neighbour, "So what other

    COMIC opera did Wagner write?!!"


  27. Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact

    the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a

    heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the

    next day.

    Abe - I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

    Max - Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad

    news...The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here,

    and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece,

    tomorrow night!

    Abe - So what's the bad news?

    Max - Well, you're booked to play the solo!


  28. A violin player has given a good recital, and afterwards a lady

    comes up to him and says, "Maestro, that was beautiful, and how

    good: all those fast notes!" to which the violinist replies, "Ah but

    dear lady, those were only sixteenth notes, sometimes I play thirty-

    seconds!" The lady is completely awestruck: "Oh, could you play one

    for me?"


  29. There once was a violinist from Rio

    who was seduced by a lady named Cleo.

    When she pulled down her panties,

    she said, "Please no andantes,

    I want this allegro con brio."


  30. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

    The bow is moving.


  31. "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at

    the defendant.

    "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your

    son violin lessons last winter."

    "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"


  32. A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The

    conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers,

    "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor

    replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get

    so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied,

    "He won't tell me which one!!"


  33. A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a

    bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot,

    going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of

    birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals. After

    a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a

    constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of

    the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony

    silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next

    several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the

    drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the

    drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got

    no answer. Finally one morning, after days of marching to this

    drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums

    suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the

    jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with

    his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is

    wrong? Why have the drums stopped?" The native guide replied

    "Very bad." "What?" asked Horace, who was expecting the worst. The

    guide answered "When drum stops, very bad - next comes viola

    solo!"


  34. A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd

    who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the

    alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the

    shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have

    one?" The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought

    that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact

    number of sheep, so he said, "Sure." The violist guessed "You have

    287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly

    how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and asked, "Can I

    pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his

    permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the

    sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.  The shepherd then

    got an idea and asked, "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have

    my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured

    that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his

    occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed,

    "You're a violist, aren't you?" The violist was very surprised and

    asked, "How did you know?" to which the shepherd responded, "Put

    the dog down and we'll talk about it."


  35. What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature

    ejaculation?

    You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can

    do to stop it.


  36. What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?

    They're both offensive and inaccurate.


  37. What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?

    You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.


  38. What's the difference between a violist and a shaggy dog?

    A shaggy dog knows when to stop scratching.


  39. What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?

    If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string

    quartet.


  40. How can you tell when the stage is level?

    The violists drool from both sides of their mouths.


  41. What do you call a violist with half a brain?

    Gifted.


  42. A number of viola players in an orchestra heard a rumor that their

    section leader could play sixteenth notes. They were impressed by

    this feat, and one of them got up the courage to ask the section

    leader if this was in fact the case. The leader nodded, and the

    brave violist asked, "Well, would you play one?"


  43. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

    When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.


  44. What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?

    Violists.


  45. How is playing viola like peeing in a dark suit?

    It gives you a warm feeling, but no one notices, and no one really cares.


  46. Why is a viola bigger than a violin?

    It's not. The violinists' heads are larger.


  47. A violist retires. He cleans up his locker at the concert-house

    before leaving, and carries all his stuff home. He stumbles through

    the door and calls for his wife to come help him with all his

    luggage. The wife comes down and sees the viola case. She steps back

    in fear and asks: "What's THAT??"


  48. If there was an out-of-tune violist, an in-tune violist, Superman

    and the tooth fairy standing in a circle with a twenty dollar note

    between them, who would get the money first?

    The out-of-tune violist (none of the others exist!!).


  49. The conductor of the local opera company was having arm problems

    and could not make it for the first performance of the weekend. The

    pit musicians and percussionists were looking at one another

    wondering what they were going to do. The first violist got up and

    said, "I've done this show hundreds of times, so I think I can conduct

    it tonight." Nobody else volunteered, so he went to the podium, took

    up the baton, and the performance went on without a hitch. The

    next night the conductor made it there, and the first violist went

    back to the section. When he sat down, the second violist leaned

    over and said, "And where were *you* last night?!"


  50. Which is the range of a viola?

    Thirty feet if you kick it hard enough.


  51. Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?

    So the violists don't need to be retrained.


  52. What's the difference between peeing in your pants and a viola solo?

    You don't get that warm feeling all over after a viola solo.


  53. When do most quartet violists leave first position?

    Never

    Whenever string-crossings produce unwanted timbre changes

    Only when the composer specifically indicates it

    (e.g., the finale of Beethoven's op. 59, no. 3)

    When all but one string have broken


  54. Which positions does a violist use?

    First, third, and emergency.


  55. How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    I don't know; they can't reach that high.


  56. A violist applied for a position in a symphony orchestra. The judges

    asked what he would play for his audition piece.

    "The Mendelssohn Violin Concerto", he said.

    A judge said, "We'd rather hear you play something on the

    viola. This is an audition for a viola position you know."

    "Oh, I play it on the viola."

    "Transposed down a fifth I suppose?"

    "No, I play it as written."

    The judges conferred, and decided that this was something

    they HAD to hear. If he could pull off the high notes, he must be

    pretty good.

    "OK, begin."

    The violist put the instrument under his chin and began to play -

    (16th notes) GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE AECEAEAE

    GEBEGEGE


  57. What is the difference between grapes and a viola?

    You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.


  58. A young woman is taking cello lessons. She's not all

    that good, and during a particularly lamentable practice session her

    teacher can't stand it any more and says:

    "Lady, you've got between your legs an instrument that, if

    adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and

    thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to

    do is to scratch and scratch it!"


  59. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?

    The coffin has the corpse on the inside.


  60. Two bass players were overheard by an opera patron in the front

    row discussing the relative merits of the Chinese restaurant they had

    supper the night before. The patron complained to the house

    manager, who apologised and offered to refund the ticket as a

    gesture of goodwill. Incensed, the patron retorted, "what about

    that lousy meal I had at the Chinese restaurant your players

    recommended??"


  61. Fred and George, two bass players, get a night off and decide to go

    hear another orchestra play Beethoven's 9th Symphony. 

    Unfortunately, the bass section of that orchestra has been out

    partying, and they are very drunk. In the 1st movement, one of

    them falls over in an alcoholic stupor. In the 2nd movement, one

    passes out, and in the 3rd movement, another bites the dust. At then

    beginning of the last movement, just before the famous bass

    recitative, Fred has had enough and says: "This is ridiculous, I'm

    going home!" . . . and George says, "Are you kidding? We can't leave now! 

    It's the last of the 9th, the basses are loaded and there are three men

    down!"


  62. The bass players in the orchestra decided to have a bachelor party

    for one of their colleagues. Unfortunately, this party coincided

    with the orchestra's performance of Beethoven's Choral Symphony.

    "Not to worry", said one of the bass players, who showed them a

    litre of scotch he had in his bag. "You know that long rest we have

    at the end of the 3rd Movement? Well, we'll just come backstage and

    have a few drinks to hold us over 'til the end of the concert". 

    Another, more timid fellow, asked, "How do we make sure that we

    don't miss our cue?" "Easy", responded the instigator, "we'll just

    tie a string around the conductor's score, with a note attached

    telling him not to go on without us!" Well, that night everything

    went according to plan. At the appropriate time, the entire bass

    section sneaked off stage and finished off the entire bottle of scotch.

    They were having such a good time, they lost track of the time until

    a stage hand said "Get back out there, the final movement is about to

    start. Being rather inebriated, they all staggered out onto the stage,

    tripping over stands and instrumentsuntil they reached their places.

    Of course, the conductor was having a fit when he went to turn the

    page of his score. After all, it was the last of the ninth, the basses

    were loaded, and the score was tied...


  63. Why is a double bass better than a violin?

    The double bass burns longer.


  64. "Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of

    bleeding, he sings."


  65. Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons ?

    I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.


  66. Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage ?

    Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.


  67. "You ain't shit until you're in the chorus - and then you are."


  68. There was a young fellow named Locke

    Who was born with a two-headed cock.

    When he'd fondle the thing,

    It would rise up and sing

    An antiphonal chorus by Bach.


  69. The Pentagon was collecting the brain matter of professional musicians in 

    order to conduct a study of great importance - the brains of pianists, 

    violinists, and singers. Cash was paid for specimens, payment as follows:

    $100/lb - pianists

    $1000/lb - violinists

    $1,000,000 - singers

    The research assistant asked his boss, "Why are singers' brains so 

    expensive"

    His reply - "Do you realize how many singers it takes to get a whole pound 

    of brains?!?"


  70. Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the

    lower end of the scale. She was known as the deep C diva.


  71. When a young hot-shot conductor was making his debut at the Met,

    he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the

    music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

    Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other,

    impressed, "well, this kid really knows his stuff!" The other

    replied, " *I* don't think he is so hot --- did you notice how flat

    his high E was at the end?"


  72. P - How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A1 - One - she holds the lightbulb in the socket, stands still and

    lets the world revolve around her.

    A2 - 1,000 - One to do it and 999 to say "*I* could have done it

    *better*. . ."

    A3 - Two - One to do it, and one to push the ladder out from under  

    her.

    A4 - Three. One to do it, her understudy, and one to say she could have

    done it better.


  73. A priest, a lawyer and a soprano died, they all went to Heaven and

    eventually got their own homes up there. A few weeks later St. Peter

    hears somebody knocking from inside the gates. He opens the doors

    (wondering who might possibly be wanting to get OUT), and finds a

    very upset priest standing at his feet. "What's wrong?" asks Pete.

    The priest answers:" Fine, good, not that I'm complaining or

    anything, but...In my life, I've followed each and every rule in the

    book! Never failed once! And what do I get? To live in a lousy

    shack, that's what! The lawyer's not been a very honorable man, but

    even he has a nice two-room apartment! And the soprano then?

    Hmph, what a mansion!! Is this fair?? I'm just asking..." Peter tries to

    calm the poor man down, and explains the situation: "You see... You

    priests, we have soooo many of you we've lost count. And we have a

    good two thousand lawyers.. But it's the first soprano we've ever

    had, so.."


  74. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

    Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.


  75. What's a countertenor's favorite computer operating system?

    UNIX.


  76. How many counter-tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One, and four women to say, 'I could have done it better.'


  77. How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Six. One to do it, and five to say "It's too high for HIM".


  78. A bass-baritone is rowing on a lake, cherfully singing to himself, "Toreador,

    en garde!"

    God is looking down from heaven and, feeling a little bored, says to

    himself, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I took half of his brain

    away!" Well, He does this, but the fellow just keeps right on rowing and

    singing, "Toreador, en garde!"

    God sees this and remarks, "Fascinating - I wonder what would

    happen if I took away half of the brain he has left. . ." He does this, but the

    bass-baritone is still rowing and singing along, "Toreador, en garde!"

    God finally says to himself, "That's it - I just have to see what happens

    if I take his *entire* brain away. . ." God does this, and the fellow keeps

    rowing, but . . .

    "La donna e mobile!"


  79. A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate

    asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"

    The soprano answers, "3". "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and

    along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a

    needle. "Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano, and Pete

    explains, "here in heaven we stick you once for each false note

    you've sung down on Earth". "oh," says the soprano, and is just

    about to step through the gates, when she suddenly hears a horrible

    screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is THAT?"

    asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh", says Pete, "that's a tenor we got

    some time back, he's just about to start his third week in the sewing 

    machine".


  80. Ben Heppner, tenor, at a dinner sponsored by the Toronto Wagner

    Society - "I always leave my opera scores on the dashboard of my

    car at the opera house parking lots. They let tenors park in the

    handicapped spaces...."


  81. How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?

    When the other tenors notice.


  82. What is the definition of an octave?

    An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps,

    twelve chromatic steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.


  83. Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?


  84. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.


  85. What's the missing link between the bass and the ape?

    The baritone.


  86. What does a baritone get on an IQ test?

    Drool.


  87. Once upon a time, there was a rather famous flute & harp duo named

    Cisco & Pancho. They had gotten together when they were grad

    students at Juilliard, and had made quite a name for themselves on

    the American concert circuit. Soon, they had opportunities to

    travel abroad. They performed throughout Europe, and were a great

    success there. They followed this with a tour of the Far East.

    While they were in Hong Kong, they stayed in a luxurious hotel

    across the bay from the hall where they were playing. Being rather

    weary from all their travelling, they decided to take a short nap at

    the hotel before their performance. They unfortunately had

    forgotten to set their alarm clock, and when they woke up, they

    discovered that they only had an hour to get cleaned up, dressed,

    and over to the concert hall. They scrambled to get ready, got

    their stuff together, and went down to the hotel lobby to try to get

    a cab. But traffic at that time of day was very bad, and besides,

    none of the hotel's limos were available at the time. The desk

    clerk suggested that they could get to the hall by sampan, since

    they were located on the bay. So Cisco & Pancho grabbed their music

    and their instruments, and booked a ride with a local sampan owner. 

    When they got to the other side, they rushed out of the boat and

    into the hall. Cisco got his flute out and began to warm up. But

    Pancho realized that his instrument was missing, and began to get

    very worried. When his partner asked him what was wrong, Pancho

    replied: "I left my harp in sampan, Cisco."


  88. What's the definition of a quarter tone?

    A harpist tuning unison strings.


  89. One evening, after a symphony rehearsal, some of the players went

    out to Sam's Discotheque to unwind. After several relaxing drinks,

    everyone all went their separate ways home. The next night, the

    harpist showed up at the concert hall and realized that he didn't

    have his instrument. `Oh no,' he cried, then sang: 'I left my harp in

    Sam's damn disco...'


  90. The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the

    harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof". . . thus

    demonstrating (as he did so often) his consummate skill at

    substituting wit for understanding.


  91. A note left for a pianist from his wife:

    Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.


  92. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

    A flat minor.


  93. What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

    Root position cords


  94. Someone requested Victor Borge that he play something by Bach,

    to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"


  95. What's better than roses on a piano?

    Tulips on an organ.


  96. Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?

    They are always longing for another stop.


  97. Max dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter looks at

    his resume and says: "Well, I think you belong in the Heavenly

    Orchestra." and takes him to visit a rehearsal. Mozart is playing

    violin, Beethoven is playing piano, Paganini is in the back of the

    2nd violins... etc. However, the conductor is appalling.

    Afterwards, Max says, "Well, that was great, but who was that

    grey-haired old geezer conducting?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that

    was God, he thinks he's Herbert von Karajan."


  98. Semiconductors are part-time musicians.


  99. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

    A bull has its horns at the front and its asshole at the back.


  100. How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand...




  101. How about, you're walking down a road, all of a sudden it split into

    three branches. In the left one, theres a good conductor, in the 

    middle one theres a bad conductor, and in the right one there is the

    tooch fairy. Each one beckons you to follow him/her. Which one

    should you follow?

    The bad conductor because the other two don't exist.


  102. It's Saturday night and the local orchestra is giving a concert, but

    it's five minutes to curtain and the conductor still hasn't shown. 

    When the assistant manager tells the manager about this, the

    manager goes beserk. He asks all of the employees if they can

    conduct, but none of them can. He then goes to the lobby and asks

    the patrons but doesn't find anyone. He finally goes out on the street

    and collars passerbys but still can't find anyone who can conduct. In

    desperation, the assistant manager points to a cat, dog, and horse

    that are standing in the street. The manager shrugs his shoulders

    and says "Why not, what do we have to lose?"

    He goes to the cat and asks if it can conduct and it mews out,

    "I don't know but I'll try." The cat tries to stand on its hind legs

    and wave its paws but it can't keep its balance and falls over

    immediately.

    The manager goes to the dog and asks the same thing. The dog

    barks, "I think I can," but although the dog can keep its balance

    for a while, it can't stand on its hind legs long enough to last

    through an entire movement.

    Finally, the manager asks the horse if it can conduct. The

    horse just stares at the manager for a second, then turns around and

    presents its rear quarters and starts swishing its tail in perfect

    4/4 time. The manager exclaims "That's perfect! The concert can go

    on as scheduled."

    "But, sir," protests the assistant, "will the orchestra accept

    a horse as a conductor?" Just then the horse drops a big pile of

    plop on the street. The manager looks at the plop and then at the

    horse's rear and says "Trust me, from this angle, the orchestra

    won't even know that they have a new conductor."


  103. The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room:

    She - My god, it is cold in here.

    HvK - But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert.


  104. A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers,

    and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.

    The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone

    stands to pay me respect."

    The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me

    and kiss my ring."

    To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both beat. 

    When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and

    say 'Oh my God!'"


  105. P - What do a conductor and a condom have in common?

    R - It's safer with one, but more beautiful without.


  106. What do you do with a percussionist that loses one of his/her drumsticks?

    Stick them up in front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!


  107. Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?

    They've had little use.


  108. A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told

    that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same message from

    receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to

    hear you say it."


  109. Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

    Because he's Haydn.


  110. What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

    A pair of Re-Bachs.


  111. What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to

    get on again and continue riding?

    Bach in the saddle again.


  112. What is brown and soft and sits on a piano bench?

    Beethoven's first movement.


  113. "This phone is baroque; please call Bach later."


  114. Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the

    middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov,

    "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"


  115. Why did Bach have so many children?

    He did not have a stop on his organ.


  116. A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of

    Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be

    distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing

    against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what

    the scratching sound is. The answer: "Oh. That is Beethoven. He's

    decomposing."


  117. Why couldn't Mozart find his composition teacher?

    He was Haydn.


  118. What's musical and handy in a supermarket?

    A Chopin Liszt.


  119. Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.

    However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until

    a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind

    from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so

    they had to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators

    was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few

    drinks and got royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they pass

    out. One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. 

    Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was

    tied with two men out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the

    players slid home.


  120. I was walking down the street one day, when I saw this guy

    strangling a little kid. 'What's going on here?' I asked. 'I was playing

    bass in that club,' says the guy, 'and this little punk ran in and

    twisted one of my tuning pegs.' 'That's horrible,' I said, 'but it's no

    reason to brutalize him.' The guy replied, 'Well, he won't tell me

    which one he messed with!'


  121. P - How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1 - Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

    A2 - Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists

    who are hogging the light.

    A3 - None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.


  122. P - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1 - None, they have machines that do that now.

    A2 - Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that

    they can't just be pushed in.

    A3 - One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark,

    man?")

    A4 - Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only

    after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

    A5 - Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the

    room spins.


  123. Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his

    party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an

    appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bobs party rolls

    around and when the first guest knocks on the door, bob asks the

    person what their IQ is.

    "200,000," replies the first guest.

    "Well, that's great," says Bob, "Let's talk about etherial

    astro physics." Bob and this first guest talk about the

    aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else

    is at the door.

    "Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"

    The new guest responds with 250.

    "Great," says Bob, "Let's talk about advanced math." Bob and

    his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while. Much

    later in the party after many more guests had been arived and

    spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door.

    "Hi my name's Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"

    This time the guest replies after putting some thought into

    it: 5.

    "Well that's great," says Bob, "What kind of drumsticks do you

    use?"


  124. Who's a guy who hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer.


  125. How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?

    The knocking speeds up.


  126. A guy walks into a shop and says, "You got one of them Marshall

    Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar

    with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

    "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

    "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"

    "This is a travel agent's."


  127. An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He

    entered, and the manager greeted him and told him about the

    "progressive format".

    "You see, we have several different rooms here. On the door of

    each you will see a number. That number is the average IQ of the

    people inside."

    The organist thinks this is a wonderful idea, and soon finds

    Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet discussing brass quintet

    things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and the like. The

    organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was in

    no mood for more.

    He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a

    symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest

    conductor of all time is. Since organists don't usually need

    conductors, he left.

    Next was Room 60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The

    organist did not stay very long at all (though Glass and Cage were

    inspired by the slamming door).

    At the very end of the hall was a battered old door with beer

    bottles, needles, and other detritus. But the organist was bored

    and decides that it's worth a shot. Inside are two punk-looking

    guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty room. One punk

    says to the other,

    "So - what kind of sticks do you use?"


  128. By now, everybody's heard the one about the terrible plane crash

    that brought an up-and-coming band to an untimely end, right?

    In case you hadn't: everyone died - the crash killed four

    musicians and a drummer.


  129. Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?

    It took him 4 hours to get the bass player out.


  130. How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?

    The bass player notices.


  131. Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?

    So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.


  132. What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?

    You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.


  133. What is the definition of a minor second?

    Two lead guitarists playing in unision.


  134. How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

    Put some sheet music in front of him.


  135. How do you make a guitarist play quieter?

    Put a sheet of music in front of him.


  136. How do you make him stop?

    Put notes on it.


  137. How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

    Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but

    I could've done better."


  138. What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?

    His amplifier.


  139. What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?

    Counterpoint.


  140. What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?

    Would you like fries with that?


  141. What did the guitar say to the guitarist?

    Pick on someone your own size!


  142. This guy walks into a bar and puts down a little toy piano. Then he

    reaches into his pocket and pulls out a six-inch pianist...


  143. What is the definition of a gentleman?

    One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.


  144. How many saxaphonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    10. One to do it, 9 to talk about how a great sax player could

    have done it better.

    5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn

    would've done it.

    Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much

    better Michael Brecker would have done it.


  145. What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

    The grip.


  146. What's the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl?

    You could eat a saxophone if you had to.


  147. What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband?

    A saxophone makes sound when you blow it.


  148. The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her

    saxophone playing lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He

    replies, "Why, am I sharp??"


  149. What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?

    Their personality.


  150. A musician dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter is there to greet

    him. The musician says, "St. Pete, are any gigs up here? Any bands

    I can get into?". St. Pete says, "Yeah, we've got the greatest rock

    'n roll band anywhere, we've got Jimi Hendrix on guitar, John

    Bonham on drums, Phil Lynott on bass.....you know, all the greats...". The

    musician says, "Great! This band will kick ass!". St. Pete says,

    "Well, there is ONE little catch...You see, God's got this

    girlfriend....."


  151. How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?

    He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.


  152. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

    None. Get the drummer to do it.


  153. So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches his everlasting reward,

    the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo,

    okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk',

    and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. 

    "Wow!" the guy says,"I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the

    guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."


  154. What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?

    I didn't wake up this morning...


  155. Madonna is to music as Wonder is to bread: light, fluffy, filled

    with air and totally tasteless.


  156. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?

    Stump the band.


  157. A blind rabbit is stumbling through a wood one day. Suddenly he

    trips over something that says "OW!". "Oh, sorry," says the rabbit,

    "I didn't see you. I'm blind, you see." "Really?" says the other

    creature, (which happens to be a snake). "I'm blind too. Because of

    this, I've never known what sort of animal I am." "Nor have I."

    says the rabbit. "I know, why don't we feel each other and try to

    work out what sort of creatures we are?" "Good idea," says the

    snake, and starts to feel the rabbit. "You're furry, you've got big

    fluffy ears and a fluffy tail. You must be a rabbit!" "Yeah, I

    always had a feeling that I was a rabbit. Thanks a lot. Now I'll see

    if I can work out what sort of animal you are. You're smooth and

    slimy, and you've got no ears. I've got it! - YOU'RE AN A&R MAN!"


  158. There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?

    The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.


  159. How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?

    One Two , One Two , One Two....


  160. How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    40. 1 to change the bulb and 39 to complain that it's electric.


  161. How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

    20. One to do it, and the other nineteen to stand around and

    say "I can do that!"

    Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on

    the guest list.


  162. Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a

    lightbulb?

    No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.


  163. How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light

    bulb?

    Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one

    one his forehead.


  164. Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

    Because he stapled himself to the chicken.


  165. Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on

    which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens

    and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon,

    Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite

    instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken

    but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi and

    says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and

    says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen

    Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,

    "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."


  166. Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?

    Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.


  167. The Golden Club, Las Vegas -

    The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend

    about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club

    was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was

    plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to

    believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the

    Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob

    asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on

    the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from the

    other end. "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?"

    inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band

    "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night".


  168. Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?

    Saves time.


  169. And the bluegrass corollary: "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friend on your saddle."


  170. P - How many banjo players does it take to change a lightbulb?

    R - Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not

    the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.


  171. P - What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor?

    R - You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.


  172. P - Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?

    R - Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.


  173. (78.)  Strummin on his ole....

    An old man was on his death bed and called his

    whole family together so that he could bid them

    farewell and make his peace with the world. After he

    said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he

    was coming very close to death he called for all to

    gather together.

    "I have one thing I would like to confess before I

    go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me,"

    cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they

    leaned down as close as they could to hear what he

    could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough,

    "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the

    kitchen with Dinah..."


  174. P - What happens if you play country music backwards?

    R - You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.


  175. P - How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

    R - Seven - one to change and the other six to sing about how good

    the old one was.


  176. P - How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a

    lightbulb?

    R - Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's

    electrified.


  177. A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half

    playing it out of tune.


  178. P - What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam

    roller?

    R - A flat major.


  179. P - What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him

    (or her) over with a steam roller?

    R - B flat, major.


  180. P - What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam

    roller?

    R - C flat major.


  181. P - What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the

    grindstone?

    R - A sharp major.


  182. P - Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS?

    R - They play three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.


  183. P - How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1 - "Hey man, I just do sound."


  184. P - How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

    A2 - One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart,

    repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the

    screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and

    re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to

    the satisfaction of the rest of the band.


  185. A tax preparer was helping some customers. The first guy comes in

    and the tax man asks him, "How much money did you make last

    year?"

    The guy answers, "Oh, about $100,000"

    "Gee, that's good! what do you do"

    "I'm a lawyer for a big corporation, etc"

    So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in.

    "How much money did you make last year?"

    "I made $150,000 dollars"

    "Oh really? What do you do?"

    "Well, I'm the head doctor at this big hospital . . ."

    And so the taxman finishes with him.

    The third guy comes in and the taxman asks him,

    "How much money did you make last year?"

    The guy answers, "Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made

    about $9,000"

    The tax man asks him, "Oh, really? What instrument do you play?"


  186. A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a

    new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"


  187. Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing

    of an instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young

    people to the worlds of jazz and classical music. 

    Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins.


  188. P - What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?

    R - C sharp or B flat..


  189. Don't be sharp! Don't be flat! Be natural!


  190. P - What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?

    R - A new age song.


  191. P - Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

    R - To get away from the noise.


  192. A viola Player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. After he'd got halfway through the cup he remembered that he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed to the carpark.... but it was too late..... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!


  193. How can you tell the trumpet player's kids at the playground?

    They're the ones who can't swing.







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