Jokes About Men
Why are lifesavers better than men?
They come in five flavors.
- Hear about the man who thought loading the dishwasher meant getting his wife drunk?
- How many men does it take to fix a leaky faucet?
Two. One to look in the yellow pages, the other to dial the number.
- What's the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.
- How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
- A man comes home early one afternoon and finds his wife in bed screwing his best friend
...he shot the dog.
- How is a man like an oil painting?
They're both at their best if they're well hung.
- Why did God make man first?
He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
- Why are women fond of hunters?
They go deep into the bush, and they always eat what they shoot.
- Ninety nine percent of all men
...give the others a bad name.
- Why did it take Moses 40 years to get out of the desert?
He was a typical man, who didn't want to stop and ask directions.
- My husband said he wanted some good old fashioned loving
...so I introduced him to my grandmother.
- Kellogg's is coming out with a new cereal for impotent men.
It's to be called "Nut N Raisin Honey"
- What's the definition of PMS?
Putting up with Men's Shit.
- If we can put a man on the moon.....
why don't we put them all there?
- What's the difference between government bonds and men?
- What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
- What did god say after creating man?
I can do better.
- Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
- Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
- I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows.
They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
- What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
- What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
- How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
- Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
- Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
- What do you call an intelligent man in America?
- Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
- If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
- Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
- Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
- Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
- Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
- How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
- What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
- What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
- How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
- What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
- How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
- Only a man would buy a $500 car
...and put a $4000 stereo in it.
- Why did god create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
- Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
- Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird."
The other man looked up and said, "where?"
- Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
- Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
- What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
9 out of 10 men can find a pub
- What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis?
- How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
- How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet paper on the hanger?
No one knows... its never happened
- How are men like paper cups?
Both are dispensable.
- What's the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
- How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
- What's the difference between men and alley cats?
Men are taller.
- How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
- How many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
- How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
- How are men like public toilets?
They're either taken, they're full of shit, or they're out of order
- How are men like parking spaces?
The ones that aren't taken, are handicapped.
- What's a good way to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
- Why do men make millions of sperm cells when only one is needed to fertilize the egg?
Have you ever known a man to ask for directions?
- What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework?
Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.
- What is the difference between a man and E. T.?
At least E. T. phoned home.
- Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
When the psychiatrist tries to take him back to his childhood, he is already there.
- How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a young woman in a bikini.
- What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
- Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
Because they should be.
- What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
Move the TV into the bedroom.
- Why do most women fake orgasm?
Because, most men fake foreplay.
- What is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
- What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
- What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their necks in cement?
- What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex?
Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it.
- How do you know when a man has an orgasm?
He rolls over and starts snoring.
- What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
I could have done that.
- Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover?
He kept waiting for the swelling to go down.
- Why are men like microwave popcorn?
They're done in 30 seconds.
- What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
They were originally intended for children but it's men who play with them.
- How do you get a macho guy to stop calling "it" The Whopper, My Bazooka, and The Thunder Rod?
Ask, "Is it in?"
- What's the average man's definition of foreplay?
Unzipping his fly.
- What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A cock that stays up all night.
- Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.
- What do you call a woman without an asshole?
- How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
- A husband arrived home to find his wife in bed with another man. He shouts, "What are you doing What are you doing?"
The wife says, "See, I told you he was dumb."
- What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
- What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
- What do you call 15 guys lying on top of one another?
A scrotum pole.
- How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
- If A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
- How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
- What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
- Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
- Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
- How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
- How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
- What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
- What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
- Why do bachelors like smart women?
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
- What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
- Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
- How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!
- How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
- How does a man define "long term relationship"?
A second date.
Why did it take Moses 40 years to get out of the desert?
He was a typical man, who didn't want to stop and ask directions.
- Ninety nine percent of all men give the others a bad name.
- How do you force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote between his toes.
- They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
- A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
- Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.
Why is psychoanalysis faster for men than for women?
It's quicker for men to regress. They are still in their childhood.
What's the difference between a savings bond and a man?
The savings bond matures.
If we can put a man on the moon.....
why don't we put them all there?
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Reporter: "I hear you have just hired a press agent to publicize your teachings."
Philosopher: "Yes, that's correct. This press agent has just been assigned to distribute my precepts to the wide world. He claims he can spread my message with great speed."
Reporter: "Could you share some of these precepts with us?"
Philosopher: "I would be delighted: `A stitch in time saves nine'; `A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush'; and `A penny saved is a penny earned.'"
Reporter: "Those are very familiar sayings already."
Philosopher: "I told you he worked fast!"
HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for a million dollars?"
SHE: "Well, I guess so"
HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for two dollars?"
SHE: "What kind of a girl do you think I am?"
HE: "We've already established that, now we're setting price."
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.
Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed,
"And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!".